BURNT- How You Don’t Want A Woman To Feel When It’s Over (Adult Language)

Ladies, this is your lucky day.  You get to be a fly on the wall inside the mind of a man who has pretty much seen it all and done it all and is ready to come to grips with what it all means.  And I’m doing it not just because I really do love you and want what’s best for you, but because I have young men in my life that I love and care for and hope desperately that they don’t have to learn all of the same lessons that I’ve learned the hard way.  Some they will, I understand.  But if what I share with them can save some misery down the line for them and the young ladies in their lives, I can ride off into the sunset of my life in peace.

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If you’ve read me before you know that my analogies can be rough and my language a bit colorful.  But that is the point of coming here.  This ain’t Iyanla or Oprah.

Even though I love what they do for y’all, they really can’t do what I can do because I’ve got a d*ck and all the experience and baggage that comes along with it.  So they can’t give you what I’m going to give you by way of this open letter to the young men who have grown up knowing me and who are now out in the world penetrating the bodies, minds, souls and lives of women.  And from what I understand, a few of my young scions have gotten off to a running start so I’m hoping to slow them down or even stop them:  The lives they save may be their own.  So listen and learn ladies, but please don’t hold this against us.  So much of how we process our experience comes from signals that you send us that we misread, misunderstand and sometimes misuse.

So buckle up- here is my word to my youngbloods:

Gentlemen, I love you all and I need you to read and heed what I’m about to convey to you right now before you hurt somebody, hurt yourself, or both.  And let me assure you that there are few things in life more painful than realizing that you have really hurt a woman that really digs you and is trying to connect with you.  If that DOESN’T hurt you, then you are not the guys that I have known and loved since you were little homies running around the family reunion and playing “marco polo” in the pool.

I know that sometimes it is fashionable to act like an asshole and girls even reward you for it against their own interests, but none of you guys really are like that.  I wasn’t either when I was where you are.  But because I learned to act like an asshole on cue, it became a reliable tool I could use and I got really good at it.  That was mistake number one and it was a big one- losing track of what I was really about because I wanted or needed to fill an image I had internalized.  It was cheap fuel and just like a finely tuned engine, my soul choked on it as it tried to run and power me through life.

So your first take away is that you don’t have to f*ck every woman that let’s you know she’s available to you.  Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. 

The reasons are simple:  if you don’t know what’s inside the woman’s soul, you don’t know what will happen when you blend yours with it.  I know it sounds esoteric and metaphysical but its real.  And you know I have never been a religious man but I am tuned in spiritually so I believe the health of your soul is the foundation of everything in your life.  So this is about making sure your soul is alright and that you don’t hurt anybody else’s on your path.

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Do you know why f****ng feels so good?  Because that is the ultimate connection between a man and a woman-  it is so good that God fixed it so that LIFE actually comes from that act.  That should be your first clue that this is an activity that should never be taken lightly.  Guys, you gotta take a little time to get to know what a woman is about before you give her that inside track into you.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that men are the stronger sex because we are physically bigger and stronger and the anatomy of sex makes us the natural aggressor as the actual penetrator.  A woman can fuck up your mind, your heart or even your life without lifting a finger.  It happens every day and the scary part is that she may not even mean to.

Even more than that though,  don’t be fooled into thinking that you can really separate what you do with your body from the condition of your soul.  You can’t.  Its just that your soul is tough and highly resilient and oftentimes we can’t see the damage that we are doing to ourselves.  And the real problem with that is that you can lose your ability to see when you are damaging others.

So your second take away is digging the fact that dealing with women intimately is not a game- it is serious business and it requires that you take it seriously.  

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Don’t get me wrong- have fun, have a blast.  But compose your mind and control your body as if you are driving a formula 1 race car at 200 miles per hour or walking a high-wire 200 feet in the air at the circus.  Those are both exhilarating and fun acts but they can go real wrong, real fast and you can make a mistake that can change your life forever- or even end it.

The third take-away is going to require you to buckle up your chin-strap and put on your thinking cap.  Most women don’t even really know this and a lot of them have even been conned into believing the same stupid shit that you believe.  But here is the real deal:  there are no short-cuts or short-hand involved in engaging women in a healthy way- whether you want them to f*ck you all night or just fix you a sandwich and a cup of coffee.

I have been doing in the no-pants-dance for 30 years now and I can tell you that

NO TWO WOMEN ARE THE SAME.  

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So ignore every asshole that has ever said anything to you along the lines of “all bitches are alike” or “there’s just two kinds of women in this world” and all of that.  Even if I ever said anything like that after too many drinks at one of our Christmas parties. Broad sweeping generalizations are absolutely worthless to you when it comes to dealing with women in a healthy way.

Having an engagement with them that is really healthy requires paying attention to them and learning what the hell works and what doesn’t.  Their bodies are not all the same- they respond to different stimulus different ways in different situations.  Of course it all starts with you knowing your own machinery but how you deploy your tools for her pleasure is an x factor that you just have to learn from scratch each and every time you take a new woman into your realm.  Its a lot of work, I know, but its a labor of love and more than worth the effort.

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That’s why you don’t meet a woman at a bar and f*ck her in the parking lot outside. That was some 70’s shit that has been played out for a long time but it just hung around for way too long- like konkaline perms or auto-tune.  My hope is that y’all can see that without me having to expound too much.  And if any of you guys are going at it like that, I need you to come to your Uncle Dave’s crib this weekend for a free detox seminar and therapy session.  Stay as long as you need to- just make sure you are right when you leave.

None of you guys are slow so I know you dig where I’m coming from.  I’ll close you out with an analogy near and dear to all of your hearts- and a reminder of my status as your favorite grill master at many a summertime bar-b-q.  Think about your every engagement with a woman like a thick juicy steak that you are waiting to put on the grill.  If you leave it unattended on the counter for too long, it will go bad.  It will mildew and once that happens, you cannot recover it.  Eating it at that point can even kill you.  It is just too late.  The time is no longer right.  Or you can immediately take the steak and season it up perfectly and put it on the grill at the perfect heat- and THEN leave it unattended for too long.  Then the steak is burnt.  And no matter how much sauce you slather on that steak, it is burnt and it cannot be eaten and enjoyed the way it was intended.  You cannot recover it- even if you try to choke it down, in all likelihood your body will reject it.  So it is all about timing and paying attention to how you handle things.  Do it right and it can be a slice of heaven, do it wrong and it will be a visit to hell.

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I’ll be damned, after all of this high mindedness am I REALLY telling you guys that women are like succulent pieces of raw meat?  Well I suppose  I am.  If it gets the point across and helps you guys be better men and treat women in a way that is good for you AND good for them, then so be it.  Just don’t tell them that’s why you are the best guy that they’ve ever met- so good in fact that they may want to marry you but still regard you very highly and as a friend should you wind up going your separate ways.

And that, youngbloods is the real win and final take-away.  Handle yourself and handle every woman that puts herself in your hands with an eye toward how she will regard you after it is over.  Don’t leave a woman regretting having met you, known you, or loved you. Don’t leave them hurt, wounded and struggling to heal in your wake.  Do your best to avoid being the bad guy in the story that they tell the world about their lives.

Sometimes you can’t help that guys, that is just a part of life- but most times you can if you try.  So I wish you the best and I’ll be watching and ready to help you get right when you are going wrong.  No need to see for yourself what you can see through the eyes of an adviser you love and trust.  I am honored to be that guy and I hope this helps you.  Good luck and Godspeed.

DVH, Esquire

(Uncle Dave)

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