The Confederate Reservations Of America (Strong Language)

I may have finally figured this thing out.  The UNITED States of America can finally solve this stubborn social problem that has been rearing its ugly head again and again since Trump got elected.  Steve Bannon and his Alt-Right acolytes are dominating our politics and national dialogue in a way that only gets stronger the more we vacillate between ignoring it and normalizing it.  The energy and ideology of white supremacy is in our faces and we need to deal with it.  So we need a check up from the neck up- starting here and now.


It has been obvious for quite some time that the battlefield vanquishing of the Confederacy was incomplete.  The rebels were beaten, but not destroyed.  They were subjugated, but not eradicated.  It is not unusual in negotiating the terms of a surrender for the conquering victors to make strategic concessions to the defeated losers because there is an interest in having a war actually end rather than flare up in fits and starts in perpetuity.


It looks like the Union gave the Confederacy a much better deal than the rebels were emotionally, psychologically and intellectually capable of managing.  The progeny of the Confederacy has proven incapable of governing themselves with any reliable level of rationale.  It is not uncommon to see pick-up trucks roaming the streets of southern exurbs and even suburbs flying the stars and bars right next to the stars and stripes.

But with the radical cultural shift that we experienced in our election of 2016, we have seen these fools go beyond waving that ugly-ass flag and saying that “the south will rise again” to waving torches and brandishing street weaponry to demonstrate that “the south HAS RISEN again.”  And that’s not cool because we really don’t have time for this bullshit right now.  In a global economy featuring astonishing technological advances and with shifting political alliances and allegiances on the world stage we just can’t afford to waste energy dealing with these petty ante issues and never-ending grievances from these delusional and hateful nutjobs.


So it’s time to re-construct the terms of surrender.  (See what I did there?  Re-construct, right?)  President Lincoln and General Grant let A LOT slide the first time and we really need a do-over.  According to the archivist of the Smithsonian Institute

The terms of surrender (was) a simple gentlemen’s agreement.  Grant sent out the order, “The war is over; the rebels are our countrymen again; and the best sign of rejoicing after the victory will be to abstain from all demonstrations in the field.”  (sic)


And that was that.  Maybe they even provided them with a lifetime supply of fresh sheets so they could have clean costumes to go about night-riding and terrorizing black people.  Obviously, Lincoln and Grant kind of blew it with this Kumbaya sentiment.  They were clearly pretty smart men and in their defense they had been through a lot in winning the war and keeping the nation together so respectful and measured critique is highly appropriate.  So I’m  going to weigh in with a little help from 152 years in the future.  Being a descending son of former slaves and a doctor of laws I am certain that I can be of some help.  Here’s what I wish they had done then and what we could do now in my ultimate fantasy of “If I ruled the world.

Lincoln and Grant should have created Confederate Reservations in similar vein to the reservations established for the indigenous tribes that lost their lands in battle against the white European settlers that became our national forefathers (whether we like it or not).  The “Indians” lost their lands in war to the Union and so did the Confederates.  The same rules should apply- we should give them their own little areas- of our choosing not theirs- to live on and do what they want as long as they are not trying to start anymore sh*t with us.


Give those clowns and their sympathizers three states of our 50 to live in and compensate all of those who own land there now for exercising our power of imminent domain (you know, the law that lets the government just take people’s sh*t if they need it as long as they pay them for it- Trump just LOVES this law by the way).

ID law

Because we are a fair and reasonable nation we’ll give them Idaho, Oklahoma and (just to be nice) South Carolina- which is obviously the gem of the trio.

Wave your Dixie flags there, but in every other state, all confederate symbols and paraphanelia can only be owned and controlled by museums or the federal government.  No statues, monuments, flags or other vestiges of the Confederacy are permissible anywhere else.  Every person who has formalized his affiliation with or has publicly expressed common cause with the vanquished Confederacy by virtue of a club membership, subversive political advocacy or activity or any intentional violation of any Constitutional provision designed to protect the rights of formerly enslaved citizens or their progeny shall be banished from the United States and exiled to one of the aforementioned Confederate Reservations.  Maybe we should make them walk there under military escort so they can get a better appreciation for the history of the “trail of tears.”

That would be f*cking awesome.  Just banish these fools and let them be as f*cked up as they want to be out there.  And then anybody else who loses their mind and starts trafficking in global conspiracies about Jews or Biblical justifications for subjugation of black folks can just take their monkey ass to the Reservations and worship at the alter of Barry Goldwater and take communion in honor of the Fuhrer with Trump branded wine and wafers.


I don’t give a damn what they do- just as long as the rest of us don’t have to see them, hear them, or smell them ever again.  It’s time to leave these trolls behind and move on.  We let them hang around underground for years and as soon as the water was right, they got one of their own in the White House.  Let’s not let this get any worse. The world is awaiting our leadership and we can’t provide it as long as we keep fighting a war that ended more than 150 years ago.

And to the good people of Idaho, Oklahoma and South Carolina, I am personally inviting you to the ATL.  This is what the south rising again is SUPPOSED to look like. Now all I need is a genie to grant me three wishes.

∞   π

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